


flowers for you

by xStarlight



Series: vent writing [1]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicide Attempt, dec 18 allusions, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 15:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17728055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xStarlight/pseuds/xStarlight
Summary: jungsoo is beyond exhausted.





	flowers for you

**Author's Note:**

> based on past fics i’ve read, and the subtle asian depressed meme that i can get flowers on the 14th if i do something drastic on the 13th. also based on personal experience and feelings i just need to vent probably bc i’m an angsty and sad 19 year old child.
> 
> also don’t listen to sad songs while reading, and recommended not shinee.
> 
> if you think i missed a tw, let me know. they're all in the additional tags.

jungsoo is beyond exhausted.

 

he doesn’t know where it started either, this round of negative thoughts, feelings, emptiness, everything. before, it was manageable, where he could combat the subtle feelings of worthlessness and emptiness, and play them off really well - heck, he’s even had good days where jungsoo felt like he could conquer the world. but lately, all of those feelings had died away, one by one, and he hadn’t noticed until waking up felt like the hardest thing in the world. 

 

jungsoo felt stupid. here he was, an able bodied human being, and he couldn’t even open his fucking eyes in the morning for filming.

 

maybe it was because he hadn’t fallen asleep until two hours ago. maybe it was because the amount of schedules on his platter were stacking up - what with i can see your voice, emceeing for under nineteen, and his cooking show? not to mention the other various programs that asked him to guest occasionally. maybe it was also because jungsoo was spending time in the studio, writing lyrics for a new song (another ballad? another super duper?), or sitting in meetings with lee soo man constantly. 

 

jungsoo doesn’t know when the hell it started, but the pressure on his chest was too large to ignore, and it was clearly keeping him in bed a lot longer than he wanted.

 

he forced himself to roll over to reach for his phone on the nightstand. it was done charging, so jungsoo unhooked it and began scrolling through social media. nothing coming up looked super appealing, but he double hearted them anyways. it’s not like it was harmful anyways. 

 

jungsoo switches his instagram account to his private account, the one nobody knows about, not even super junior members themselves. he liked the freedom of no name on it, or any kind of association on it. it lacked postings on it as well, so it was virtually impossible to link a private account with no posts or name to his name, his stage name. there, jungsoo scrolls down the feed, seeing the content that really matched his state right now.

 

jungsoo’s private instagram is a feed full of sad, depressing quotes, meant to (somewhat) ease the hurt in his heart, the emptiness in his chest, and the loneliness within him. 

 

he stops at a particular post. the instagram is dedicated to subtle asian depressed people, and jungsoo supposes he can relate to many of the content on the page (though he would never consider himself depressed, regardless of anything in the past - he was supposed to be recovered). it’s a meme in english, and jungsoo doesn’t understand it entirely, but he attempts to understand it anyways. by the few english words he recognizes and the numbers and pictures attached, his mind wanders. 

 

flowers, jungsoo thinks to himself, what can i do this month for a simple bouquet of flowers.

 

even though jungsoo is popular enough amongst the entertainment industry to receive numerous bouquets all on his own accord, he doesn’t feel the need to beg for them on social media. he’s already vented on social media before to get some kind of attention, and all the messages that have followed since have had a bit of falseness behind it. the messages still soothe his tired heart, but it wasn’t enough.

 

nothing jungsoo did was ever enough anyways.

 

the month of february always brings a bit of a damper to jungsoo’s mood. although it would be easy for him to go out to the bar and get a one night stand, jungsoo also doesn’t want a major scandal to come out of it - and he was already too exhausted to haul himself across seoul for something this ridiculous. he just wants someone loyal, someone who wouldn’t leave him, someone who could be forever. he also wants the attention of someone, someone who would willingly give him affection, materialistic things, love, everything, without having to be asked sometimes. 

 

jungsoo thinks that’s the best kind of love right there.

 

he briefly remembers when his members yelled at him once for attention seeking on social media. although he’s embraced the name and label (after all, it was true, who was he to deny it), a part of him still resents it because it’s bothering them, his members, and others. and especially when he’s so insignificant, so useless, so worthless, so -

 

he doesn’t register the teardrop that falls from his left eye. 

 

checking the time, jungsoo realizes that he is about to be late for his schedules today if he doesn’t get his lazy ass out of bed. shimkoong lies asleep at the foot of his bed, and jungsoo is almost thankful because she doesn’t have to bear witness to his poor mood (again). before he dwells on the lingering negative thoughts any more than he already has, he inhales deeply and swings his legs over.

 

one step down, just a million more to go. jungsoo supposes he could manage for the day.

 

* * *

 

the day does not get better. in fact, it just gets progressively worse.

 

jungsoo is late to the manager’s car by five minutes, and even though the manager has put aside ample time for them to arrive on set, jungsoo can’t help but to apologize profusely about his tardiness. thirteen years in the industry, and he still can’t get himself together for his schedules on time. 

 

once they arrive on set, jungsoo is whisked away to get prepped up for his first filming of the day. the makeup artists touch up his face (a bit much too, he can see the obvious caked on foundation on his skin and he knows he looked peaky from the get go). he doesn’t nap while they prep him either, too busy listening to the gossip the makeup artists have to say about other sm artists. jungsoo doesn’t mind, at least he feels like he’s somewhat in the loop with things with his sunbaes and dongsaengs. 

 

after they finish their job, jungsoo puts on a suit. the first filming is for i can see your voice 6, and he is thankful this was the first filming of the day. the layout of the show is simple and jungsoo hardly says anything anyways, so it wasn’t like he had to be completely into the singers. as long as he pretends well enough (which means 90% forcing himself to pay attention and 10% actual attention paid), most people will be fooled. everyone will be too engrossed into the singers and picking the tone deaf voices to pay him any attention. 

 

he walks out for filming to begin, and hopes it all goes according to script.

 

it does and doesn’t, not exactly how most errors would go.

 

midway through filming, one of the singers opens up about her background story, and why she loves to sing. her story resonates with jungsoo, and the guilt floods his stomach like food had actually gone down his throat. but jungsoo can’t really breathe in the room anymore, it feels as if it had gotten hotter considerably and his eyesight shifts for half a second. the next thing he knows, he’s bowing and thanking her for her voice. she leaves the set, and it’s a little easier for him to breathe, but not entirely.

 

it’s been a while since the s word has come up during work, and all it’s done is derail all of jungsoo’s thoughts and feelings, and brings flashbacks he doesn’t want to remember. things he’s put under lock and key, and hopes he will never have to relive any kind of moment again.

 

the producers call for a break, and jungsoo almost runs into his dressing room. his personal manager is there, lunch in hand and taemin in the other - wait what?

 

oh wait, that’s right. taemin is a guest judge on today’s episode filming. jungsoo mentally hits himself on the head for forgetting. it’s not like him to forget about his dongsaeng.

 

“hi hyung!” taemin greets, overflowing with energy (and...is that a hint of extra affection lingering in his words? jungsoo couldn’t tell). “shinee hyungs bought lunch today, and they even brought one for you too! can we eat together?”

 

jungsoo is touched by the present lunch. even though jinki is away in the military right now, kibum is busy with promotions in america (wild), and minho is preparing for his solo tour, they still found the time to care for their maknae, and even himself. he mentally reminds himself to thank them later via kakaotalk, and to catch up with them later. it’s been a long time since he’s spoken to them properly. 

 

“yes taemin-ah,” jungsoo nods. he knows taemin well enough that when he acts this way, he’s compensating. much like himself, jungsoo thinks. “what did kibum and minho get us?”

 

taemin hands jungsoo the lunch. “probably the usual subway order,” he says, eyeing the bag and the contents. he makes a cute pouty face as he inspects the contents. 

 

from the corner of his eye, jungsoo spots the manager leaving the room. not that jungsoo minds the privacy between him and taemin, but he would not have minded the extra company with the manager. at least then jungsoo could have a bit of control on the conversation. but it seems the manager already knew why taemin wanted to have lunch with his hyung, and he doesn’t leave without reminding jungsoo that he stills has filming afterwards. 

 

in other words, don’t let taemin and his silent emotions get the better of them.

 

jungsoo sits on one of the chairs, and pulls out the sandwich. judging by the contents in the sandwich, he assumes minho had gotten the food, since minho usually puts some pepper on his sandwiches (not that jungsoo minds). taemin seems to have noticed as well, because he’s holding the chocolate chip cookie and munches into it immediately.

 

jungsoo should not have let taemin eat the cookie first, because he immediately spits it out afterward, saliva coating the entirety of the mushed up bite. and jungsoo knows, this is the breakdown. 

 

taemin’s tears fall to the floor and jungsoo doesn’t know what to say. he half wishes minho was here, instead of having just delivered the food. jungsoo having to comfort a crying taemin wouldn’t be disastrous, but it - it would be better if it came out of his actual hyungs’ mouths. jungsoo doesn’t have much faith in him being able to comfort him either - if this morning had proved anything, it was that he was not in the right mindset to comfort others.

 

jungsoo tries anyways. he pulls taemin to the floor, and he sits behind him, running his slender fingers through taemin’s hair. in the attempt to comfort taemin, jungsoo says one of the more cheesier, stupider lines (but he knows it’s true anyways, taemin can bounce back from anything pretty well), “it’s okay, taemin-ah, just breathe for hyung please.” this too, shall pass, goes unsaid between them, but taemin seems to get the gist of it anyways. 

 

as jungsoo runs his fingers through taemin’s hair and whispers to him, his other hand facetimes minho. he silently hopes minho doesn’t have a schedule today, and maybe, just maybe, he is still nearby to help taemin. but the facetime goes unanswered, and jungsoo doesn’t have the heart to contact kibum, not when he has no idea of his schedules in his current timezone. jinki is obviously not a choice here.

 

“hyung,” taemin says once his sobs have reduced to sniffles, “they say that time is supposed to heal all wounds. why, why hasn’t it healed mine?” 

 

jungsoo is taken aback by the question, and he frowns. taemin has never being vocal with his true emotions with him, and he had thought taemin had gotten past the worst of it all, but clearly, he wasn’t. he doesn’t know what to say either, because the inner turmoil inside of him hasn’t ceased yet (or died down, or anything - just risen).

 

“taemin-ah, come here.” jungsoo normally does not initiate skinship, not even with his own members that frequently, but taemin...taemin desperately needs that kind of skinship. his oldest hyungs aren’t around to comfort him, and taemin is a skinship type of person. as expected, taemin wraps his arms and legs around jungsoo like a koala, and buries his head into jungoo’s shoulder, hiding his tear streaks and red eyes. “give it more time. be patient with it, and yourself. time won’t heal wounds, but it does ease the pain. do you feel like that?” jungsoo patiently waits for an answer, and after a couple of moments, taemin nods. 

 

“‘s not as bad as before,” taemin whispers, and if jungsoo wasn’t listening for it, he would’ve missed it. “it’s just - “

 

jungsoo runs his fingers through taemin’s hair again, pushing the stray strands out of his eyes. “i know.” before he continues though, his phone vibrates with a facetime call, and jungsoo sees who is calling: minho. “do you want to talk to minho about it? i think he’d be glad that his dongsaeng called him to talk.” 

 

taemin hesitantly nods, and it takes that bit of interaction to note that taemin probably has not told his hyungs about his inner emotions lately. jungsoo does not hesitate to accept the call, and turns off his camera out of respect for taemin. he greets minho quickly, and vaguely lets him know that taemin is not feeling well. jungsoo hands taemin the phone.

 

“if you need me, i’ll be outside waiting,” jungsoo says, and leaves the room. 

 

he waits outside the room for a few minutes, listening to taemin’s sobs again as he recounts everything for his hyung. jungsoo can’t hear what minho said, but he knows it was enough for taemin to hear, because his sobs end fairly quickly. with the sound of a broken laughter, jungsoo knows taemin is coming back to normal, and he leaves for the set again.

 

lunch sits in the dressing room, forgotten about. 

 

(later that night, taemin texts a quick thank you to jungsoo, and wishes him well. minho does the same, and kibum even sends him one. but the damage is already done by then.)

 

* * *

 

the second filming is a quick filming for super junior, and it is a congratulatory message to yesung for his newest japanese album’s success. this filming goes by faster, but jungsoo’s mood has not improved. 

 

earlier, the second half of i can see your voice filming had picked up, and the judges (including taemin) ended with a person with a tone deaf person. though there were no other triggering stories, the mood on set was not as bubbly as before. taemin does not help that either, but at least he is 90% of the way there.

 

when jungsoo arrives for the second filming, he immediately changes his outfit and adjusts his framed glasses suited for this. although this was supposed to be a quick filming, he couldn’t help but to look tired and exhausted, and the stylists decided to hide the extra tiredness with a pair of round rimmed glasses. jungsoo doesn’t make a move to complain, despite how uncomfortable they felt.

 

after practicing (and reciting) his congratulatory message to yesung, jungsoo is once again whisked away to a super junior meeting. there, the upper echelons manage to talk the entire time. not that jungsoo minded, because this way, his mind was allowed to wander for a bit, and he doubted he had the energy anyways to pay attention. he knows siwon and shindong are listening anyways, he can get the rundown of the meeting later. 

 

jungsoo’s mind doesn’t stop replaying the flowers in the post, how it alluded to something during valentine’s day, and taemin’s breakdown. jungsoo feels like shit now that he looks back on it, even though in hindsight it was a good idea to call minho, it doesn’t cover for the facts that 1) jungsoo should be able to handle it (it’s not the first passing in super junior and related sm history), and 2) he should not have bothered minho during his schedule. he thinks about his performance during filming, and regrets even more of not having done more to lift the mood. all in all, it was going to be a shit episode and it was going to be jungsoo’s fault.

 

jungsoo is absolutely excited for his next solo meeting, can’t wait to get yelled at for the lack of professionalism on camera.

 

the meeting wraps up after two hours of discussion (that jungsoo barely inputted in), and jungsoo does get yelled at afterwards. he was slow to pack up his materials, and the managers and upper echelons take the time to yell at him for the lack of responses from him and cohesiveness amongst super junior members. jungsoo barely hears any of it though, his mind too distracted to listen carefully, and a migraine is forming.

 

jungsoo tosses painkillers into his mouth before he goes to his last scheduled activity, a two hour minimum requirement in one of the sm studios to either a) record, b) have a singing lesson, or c) compose/write a song. today, jungsoo chooses the middle option, the one where he would be criticized the least.

 

or so he thought.

 

the two hour singing lesson was abysmal. jungsoo’s throat stings a bit, and the migraine does not help his singing to improve. the painkillers weren’t enough to ease the pain, he learned. jungsoo barely manages to get through the lesson, having to stop frequently for a water break (even though he felt like throwing up beginning halfway into the lesson). the vocal coach criticizes jungsoo’s lack of warm up and overall singing ability the entire time, saying that a thirteen year old idol should be able to hit basic notes within his range, notes he can hit on an okay day. 

 

jungsoo leaves the lesson after two hours, feeling even worse than before. his throat was dry and parched, and he has run out of water only thirty minutes ago. he immediately texts the manager to give him a ride home, and he pulls up outside sm after twenty minutes of waiting.

 

twenty minutes of extra roasting time to himself.

 

jungsoo hardly remembers any part of the ride home. his manager was silent the entire time, much to jungsoo’s comfort. he stares at the view outside the car window the entire time, wondering about the world. 

 

if city lights fade

 

if it’s really that pretty

 

if this world is pretty

 

if only.

 

jungsoo barely registers himself walking up the stairs to his apartment, and unlocking the door. he doesn’t see shimkoong out of the corner of his eye, yapping happily for her owner (but the owner she truly loves is gone, not here, not right now, probably never returning again). 

 

jungsoo gives her a half smile as he picks her up from the ground. with her in hand, he heads to his bedroom. his stomach doesn’t rumble for dinner anyways, and it’d be a futile attempt to eat. jungsoo doubts anything would stay in his stomach. 

 

he lies in bed, scrolling through social media again. jungsoo reads through the depressing messages, and hears his own thoughts going more south as he goes down his feed. the thought of even continuing to scroll eventually tires jungsoo out, and he exits out of the application. 

 

now it’s just him and his thoughts (and shimkoong, who paws softly at jungsoo’s face).

 

“koongie yah,” jungsoo says absentmindedly, “would you leave me too, one day?” shimkoong doesn’t say anything in response. jungsoo takes it as an answer, and not a particular good one either. 

 

jungsoo knows he shouldn’t be entertaining these thoughts, as they descend into thoughts he hasn’t had in months. he knows he should probably be seeking out his members right now, for comfort and company, because they know the most. he knows, above all, that if and when those thoughts come, he shouldn’t be alone, as if he should have another person with him.

 

he doesn’t reach for his phone, though. he’s done begging for help and attention, and getting halfhearted responses. he’s done feeling this badly, this shitheadness, everything. jungsoo is done with everything, and just wants it all to end, to go away, something.

 

he realizes the answer to get real flowers on valentine’s day without asking for it verbally. and although it’s not a method - should never be a method - to get them, jungsoo doesn’t care at this point. 

 

he doesn’t double think his robotic walk into the bathroom.

 

doesn’t think too hardly about the box cutter.

 

doesn’t think about the fanchants, the sapphire blue sea.

 

forgets the years spent trying to stitch his entire life back together after the military.

 

ignores shimkoong’s pawing on the door.

 

pretends the old lines engraved on his thighs don’t exist.

 

he just hopes this will be enough.

 

* * *

 

heechul gets into his car hurriedly. despite having the occasional nightmare that a sasaeng will chase him again and truly render him useless in the next car accident, heechul does not, can not, have a care for that, and would willingly risk it all if it meant jungsoo wasn’t slipping again.

 

“he hasn’t spoken about it, but i - i know him well enough,” the manager said to heechul only minutes ago, “the wounds still run deeply enough. he was too quiet the entire ride home. his aura wasn’t good either.” the silent question is there, heechul hears it, he hears it over and over again every night.

 

“i’ll take care of it, junhyuk hyung, “ was all heechul said before he grabbed his keys and coat and ran out to his car.

 

heechul stretches the speed limits as he makes his way to jungsoo’s apartment. although they don’t live at the same complex, he lives relatively close enough to reach him whenever he knows his hyung is having a hard time. he purposely did that, knowing that jungsoo would have his nights. this was one of them.

 

heechul tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach as he parks his car in the visitor spot, getting into the elevator as fast as heechully possible. he attempts to block out images of jungsoo at his worst state, the state that heechul can’t, cannot resee. 

 

once was more than enough.

 

images of jungsoo circa 2014 is also being blocked from his memory. heechul could not let his mind wander to the worst, it would be too much, he could only hope it wasn’t like that.

 

in emergencies like this, heechul is glad he learned jungsoo’s passcode to his apartment. he was not in the mood (or the physical state) to have to break down his door and then pay for it. he quickly types it in, and the padlock opens to let him inside. heechul hears shimkoong dogslapping (is that even the word) something, and heechul knows. 

 

heechul wants to vomit before he deals with this. 

 

“koongie,” he says, making kissy noises at the dog. “get away from the door.” he points to outside of jungsoo’s room, so that the dog wouldn’t be scarred with whatever hurt state jungsoo was in. although she’s probably already seen most of the worst. when koongie doesn’t move, heechul rolls his eyes and checks the door. locked.

 

he calls baekhyun, who knows how to work a door lock. the exo dongsaeng has unlocked bathroom doors before for his members, and would not question it (much) if heechul asked to know how. and baekhyun told him exactly how he did it with a chopstick. 

 

once heechul successfully unlocks the door, he quickly ends the call with baekhyun. he doesn’t leave him a decent goodbye message either, which means he’ll have to talk to the younger later, when everything has settled. heechul opens the door, fully expecting yet not expecting what he would find.

 

the sight on the other side of the bathroom door is much, much worse than heechul’s expectations.

 

* * *

 

on valentine’s day, heechul arrives with red roses in one hand. he hides them behind his back as he walks into the room.

 

“jungsoo, i’ve brought what you asked for,” heechul greets, bringing out the roses into clear sight. he wags them like a mother, scolding her daughter for being naughty. “ one bouquet of flowers for my love.”

 

he sighs.

 

“please don’t ignore me,” he continues softly. “please stop pushing me and kids away. how many times have we all said before that if you were struggling this badly to let us know?” heechul doesn’t let himself cry. no, he would not let himself cry over this. not in front of his love. “now you’re going to miss our fucking dinner tonight and i’m going to be mad.” 

 

heechul takes in a breath before he continues.

 

“but i’ll forgive you, over and over again.”

 

_ drop _ .

**Author's Note:**

> :’))
> 
> did i rush the ending? probably i have 10 mins left of this work shift
> 
> after writing this, looking back on it, this fic also had me looking back on my own self. my own past. i just wanted to say that if you’re still hurting from december 18, it’s going to be okay. At this point, i’ve nearly worked most things out? but this fic hits on a lot of my own triggers and hurts, and forces me to look at it. 
> 
> catch me not leaving my bed after i write this.


End file.
